Loving yourself doesn’t start with fixing yourself…

image by Elle Boudoir Studio, Denver CO

…it starts with stopping abandoning yourself

For a long time, I thought loving myself meant becoming a better version of me.

Better habits. More confidence. A body I liked more in photos. Positivity, affirmations, glow-up energy… all of it.

But here’s what I eventually had to learn the hard way:

I didn’t start loving myself by fixing myself. I started by noticing - and then stopping - all the quiet ways I was abandoning myself.

Self-love isn’t always loud or glamorous. It’s not always mirror kisses and perfectly worded mantras. Often it’s deeply ordinary and uncomfortable. It’s about how I speak to myself, what I tolerate, what I no longer explain away, and the moments I finally choose myself when it would have been easier not to.

Once I saw that pattern of self-abandonment, I couldn’t unsee it.

This isn’t about reinventing yourself. This is about real life, real nervous systems, real bodies, real healing.

And here are five small but powerful shifts that started telling my brain, my body, and my soul: you matter right now, as you are.

1. I stopped rushing my own feelings

For years, I minimized how I felt so other people could stay comfortable.

I said “It’s fine” without even asking myself whether it actually was.
I swallowed disappointment, anger, exhaustion, and grief.
I skipped right past my emotions to get back to being “okay.”

The first big shift was simply… not doing that anymore.

I started sitting with my emotions instead of abandoning them. I let myself admit when I was hurt, overwhelmed, jealous, confused, sad, or furious - even if I didn’t have a neat explanation or solution.

When you stop abandoning your own emotions, something steadies inside.

You don’t magically become cheerful. You just stop betraying yourself in subtle ways. And that alone changes your relationship with your body, your boundaries, and your self-worth.

2. I stopped running everything past the invisible committee in my head

You might know this committee.

The teachers, parents, partners, pastors, bosses, coaches - all those internalized voices with opinions about who you “should” be. For a long time, they had commentary on everything:

What I wore.
What I wanted.
What I said.
Who I loved.
How much space I was allowed to take up.

I used to mentally ask that committee for permission before making decisions.

Now, I ask myself.

What actually feels right for ME?
What do I want?
What do I need right now in MY real, lived life?

That shift feels like coming back home to my own center. It isn’t rebellion. It’s adulthood. It’s self-trust.

3. I stopped narrating my life like I was on trial

For a long time I felt like I had to justify everything:

Why I’m tired.
Why I’m resting.
Why I’m not available.
Why I changed my mind.
Why something didn’t work out.

There was always a backstory, a defense, an explanation to make my choices “reasonable.”

I don’t do that anymore.

“This is what I’m doing” is enough.

I don’t owe a TED Talk about my boundaries. I don’t need to present evidence for why I need space, change, rest, or tenderness.

Self-respect sounds like fewer explanations and less apologizing for existing.

4. I stopped treating rest as something I had to earn

This one took time.

I believed rest had to be deserved - after enough productivity, achievement, caregiving, or self-sacrifice. I thought exhaustion was proof that I had finally earned permission to lie down.

Now I understand something very different:

Rest is not a reward for suffering.
Rest is evidence of worth.

Your body has carried so much. Mine has too. Stress, tension, expectation, heartbreak, pressure - all of it lives in the nervous system.

Your body feels safer when it is allowed to rest without guilt.

You don’t have to prove anything first.

5. I stopped waiting to feel lovable before acting like someone who is loved

This one is tough but may change your life.

I used to think I’d treat myself better once I finally felt confident, beautiful, healed, “enough.” But feelings are slippery. They rise and fall with hormones, sleep, comments from others, photos, and mirrors.

So instead, I flipped it.

I started acting like someone who is already loved.

I fed myself well.
I gave myself boundaries.
I spoke to myself with respect.
I stopped leaving myself for last.

Boundaries before bravery.
Self-respect before self-belief.

The love followed the actions.

None of this made me selfish. It made me calmer, less resentful, softer, more present.
Loving yourself doesn’t make you harder to be around - it makes you more YOU.

What this has to do with body image and photography

This is why self-love isn’t about “fixing” your body before you deserve to be seen.

Boudoir, portraits, and any kind of intimate photography aren’t about becoming someone new - they’re about refusing to abandon the person you already are.

Letting yourself be witnessed is an act of self-presence.

It says:
I don’t have to disappear.
I don’t have to wait to be perfect.
I don’t have to put myself in last place anymore.

Whether you ever step into a studio or not, this work is the same:

Stop abandoning yourself in small, quiet ways.

Choose yourself in moments when it would be easier not to.
Rest without earning it.
Let your emotions stay.
Act like someone who is already loved.

You don’t need a reinvention. You need a reunion.